Start with the people closest to the person who died, and tell them yourself, by phone or face to face. After that you can hand off most of the calling to someone you trust. Official notices, like banks and government offices, come later, and the funeral home usually takes care of Social Security.
There's no perfect way to say it. Hearing it from someone who cares matters more than finding the right words.
Who should hear first?
Think in circles. The inner circle is the people who would be hurt to hear it secondhand: a spouse or partner, children, parents, brothers and sisters, and anyone the person lived with or was very close to. Call them yourself if you can.
If someone in that circle would want to see the person before they're moved, the National Institute on Aging suggests calling them early, while there's still time.
The next circle is close friends, other relatives, and anyone who was helping with care. After that come neighbors, the person's workplace, clubs and their faith community. These are the calls you can share out.
What can I actually say?
Simple words work best. "Died" is clearer than "passed" or "we lost him," and the National Cancer Institute says softer phrases like those can confuse children. Say who's calling, give a moment of warning, then say it.
Example, for close family:
"It's Dana. I have some very sad news, and I wanted you to hear it from me. Mom died this morning. It was peaceful, and I was with her."
Example, for a friend of the person:
"Hi, this is Sam, Mark's son. I'm calling with sad news. Dad died on Tuesday. I know you two were close, so I wanted to tell you myself. We'll share the service details once they're set."
Example, for a text or email to a wider group:
"With great sadness, we're letting you know that Ellen Ruiz died on March 4. We're grateful for your friendship with her. Details about a memorial will follow. Please don't feel you need to reply."
You don't have to answer every question on the call. "We don't know yet, I'll let you know" is a full answer. If you can't get through a call, it's fine to say so and hang up.
Ask for help with the calls
Once the inner circle knows, ask one or two people to take over. A friend can work through the person's phone contacts or an address book, or one relative can tell each side of the family. Give them the short version of the message you want shared, so everyone hears the same facts.
This is also a good job for someone who wants to help but doesn't know how.
Sharing the news online
If you want to post on social media, it helps to wait until the closest people have been told. News online moves fast, and nobody close should learn it from a feed.
If the person had a Facebook account, Facebook can turn it into a memorialized profile. According to its help center, the word "Remembering" appears next to the person's name, friends can share memories there depending on the privacy settings, and no one can log into the account.
If the person chose a legacy contact, that person can manage parts of the profile. Family can also ask Facebook to remove the account instead, and Facebook suggests creating a group if you want a separate place for people to share memories.
Death notice or obituary?
These are two different things, and you don't need to do both.
A death notice is the short version: the person's name, age, the date they died, and when and where the service will be. An obituary tells more of the story of their life. Our guide on how to write an obituary walks through it step by step.
Which offices need to be told, and when?
These don't need to happen on day one. Most need a certified copy of the death certificate, so they often wait until you have copies.
Social Security
Right away, usually by the funeral home
What to knowSocial Security says funeral homes generally report the death. If not, call 1-800-772-1213 with the person's name, Social Security number, date of birth and date of death.
The person's employer
In the first week or so
What to knowAsk about a final paycheck and any workplace benefits or life insurance.
Life insurance companies
When you have death certificates
What to knowYou'll need a certified copy and the policy numbers.
Banks and credit card companies
In the first few weeks
What to knowYou'll usually need a copy of the death certificate. A list of the person's accounts makes this much easier.
Credit bureaus
In the first few weeks
What to knowEquifax, Experian and TransUnion, to help prevent identity theft.
Other offices
As you get to them
What to knowThe DMV, the local election office, the State Department for a passport, and the VA if the person was a veteran.
A few details about Social Security are useful to know. It only takes reports of a death by phone or in person, not by email or online. It can't pay benefits for the month a person dies, so a payment that arrives the following month has to be returned. And a surviving spouse may be able to get a one-time payment of $255; if there's no spouse, some children may be eligible.
USA.gov notes that most agencies will ask for the person's Social Security number along with the certified copies, and that the person's final income tax return still has to be filed.
Frequently asked questions
Is it okay to tell people by text?
For the closest people, a call or a visit is kinder if you can manage it. For wider circles, a text or email is normal and often easier for everyone. If a call isn't possible, a short text asking someone to call you back works too.
How do I tell a child that someone has died?
Use the real words, "died" and "death." The National Cancer Institute says phrases like "he is sleeping" or "we lost him" can confuse children, and that each child should be told the truth in as much detail as they can understand. Answer their questions simply, and let them know they'll be safe and looked after.
Do I need to call Social Security myself?
Usually not. Social Security says funeral homes generally report deaths. If no funeral home is involved, or you're unsure it was reported, call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213 (TTY 1-800-325-0778).
What if someone finds out on social media before I could tell them?
It happens, and it isn't your fault. Call them when you can and say you're sorry they heard that way. Most people understand.
Sources
- National Institute on Aging: What To Do After Someone Dies
- Social Security Administration: What to do when someone dies
- USA.gov: Report the death of a Social Security or Medicare beneficiary
- USA.gov: Agencies to notify when someone dies
- National Cancer Institute: Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ)
- Facebook Help Center: What happens to your Facebook profile if you pass away